Dated: 23rd October 2016.
Every one or two months I curiously let my finger click onto this page and indadvertedly cringe at the situational irony of the top post being one screaming of a “comeback”. And now, I get to further the embarrassment by penning a post explaining my disappearance exactly a year following my last post which also (surprise) was a whole bunch of excuses for yet another disappearance (could it be that this is a pattern).
Some days I just sit and think about character growth. The Jess that kick started this blog off was such a baby—of which I want to disclaimer that I wasn’t a whiner or anything, but god, I was so fresh and unsure and kind of ready to just explore who I was going to be, perhaps without the constraints of whatever the fuck those years pre-“adulthood” are. In those two years, of which one of them is pretty much missing, seeing as I haven’t posted in a goddamn year, I’ve grown into the laziest version of me possible, period. I’m kidding, that’s harsh Jess. To get reacquainted let me try to deconstruct myself in the most one dimensional way possible: dot points.
- stronger sense of self—more assertive, more cynical, more sure of her beliefs, more more more
- quite frankly, an even bigger arse to books.
I think, for a while there, I struggled with a period where I kind of lost my vision of what I actually liked and covered it up with this complete and utter intellectual decode bull. Which isn’t to say that the reviews I wrote were just me trying to make up for the fact that I didn’t emotionally connect (well now its really starting to sound like that Jess), because for the most part, the ones I raved about I really did enjoy, but for a select few I just seemed so drained and substituted it with ticks to literary techniques. As though I was scared, avoiding, or just thought that maybe you should only be half the ass you really are, online. Whatever it was, it was draining. And boring. And five other synonyms that I can’t be bothered fish out with a “boring define” hit on google.
What I’m trying to say, in a really round about way, is that I’m ready to shed whatever bubble I fell into. Because more than 95% of my year is run on little to no sleep and I can’t really pull much out other than “hey, pretty good” or “shit as, don’t bother”. Which isn’t to say that spoiler! this is how I review now, but you get the gist. It’s just easier, and a little more liberating, for me to accept reviews as what they truly are: subjective pieces of writing for those who have stuff to sprout. I kid (but not about the subjectivism).
I feel like this leads into my next grand Jess!point.
- i like romance in books and a really specific combination, at that.
Just when I thought I couldn’t get any harder to cater to, I pull shit like “not emotionally connecting to books unless they fulfil my sweet spot of specific and not-a-crowd-favourite type of romance”. Point one, which is a hurdle that I would like to say I only recently came to terms with: I will only read books with romance. Someone out there is holding onto their hearts and saying goodness gracious, YA doesn’t need anymore of that, we need some relief!! And I feel you, and go you!!! Demand that romance free YA because I do honestly understand why there is a demand. But for me, personally, I like romance and I’m not going to complain. Personal preference (how many times can I low-key say this before it looks really obvious that I’m trying to say that I don’t want to offend lol). And secondly, I’m ready to first say that I know you’re like not meant to start a sentence with “and” but I digress, and that I need my romance to encompass a variety, or at the very least one, of my favourite tropes: hate-to-love, rich entitled kid (JESS!!!HWY!!!), royals (hard to come by), people with hot cars to add to the atmosphere (not really a trope, right?), bildungsroman that isn’t overtly whiny though, two halves of one whole (but in a independent manner). Basically, I could go on, but in a nutshell, I’m probably the hardest person to truly make happy in this aspect, but if you’re like me then let me tell you, there are works out there that can hit the spot for you too.
- I don’t read as much anymore, hence the above points
I’m in a constant cycle of work—like uni and actual like “go-to-work”—maybe like socialising, I guess, catching with all the tv shows I’ve been inundated with (this is an actual problem that I bring upon myself), and then whatever time I have left I spend it…sleeping. It’s a bad system, but its working and I’m only like on the verge of loosing it on the weekends (physically) but I’m getting things done, hence the reluctance to change it. But every once in a while, I take sometime out to binge read. And it has to knock me out of the ball park from the get go to get me to think damn, that was worth my time (not like I’ve got like a million dollar price tag on time). That being said, nothing, spare the odd read or so, has caught my attention. THAT is why my goodreads challenge for 2016 is a measly 20 books (if you were wondering, I didn't hit it lol). And even then, I’m not there yet (I make this sound like I’ve read 2 books this year lol For reference, it’s about 17). About less than half of those reads were ones that I actually fell in love with.
The point of this is I’m picky, I’m grumpy, I’m hard to please (this could somehow all be attributed to the fact that I’m so sleep deficient).
- I’ve become a korean drama fiend (and I don’t know if I mentioned before but I’m back to liking exo)
I don’t remember the exact point in time when I added yet another time consuming hobby to my list of things to do with my time awake but here we are. My friend was right when she remarked that it was a slippery slope—once you start, you can’t stop. I personally lean more towards sageuk’s (Korean historical dramas) because I adore how lush the shots are, the story lines and the heavy cloak of a highly patriarchal society!!!! (It’s sad, drives me up the wall, really). My favourite dramas this year have been W Two Worlds, Moonlight Light By Clouds and the current Scarlet Heart Ryeo! But a must of the past has got to be My Love From Another Star. (To be cynical about myself, for a person who says they champion equality there is a real theme here in what I like and don’t like, being that there is definite class and gender domination. Just wanting to break my own damn 4th wall and be satirical about myself.) And, to top this off, I like my dramas with exactly the same combo of tropes as I like my romances.
I’ve also resorted back to listening to EXO and it kind of reminds me of like the child I was 8 years ago. Really nostalgic. I listen to a mixture of purely EXO, trap and alternative and its my favourite combination of Jess’ musical taste. I also realise that this was highly unnecessary but in the interest of over sharing, I feel like this really defines me now.
- I can’t let go of bleaching myself blonde/grey even though it hurts
Seeing as I haven’t updated this blog in a year, you may not have known that I went blonde. Like platinum. It was round the beginning of this year and I’d just watched one too many of those EXO videos and they always have crazy hair colours and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Bottle blonde was hella fun and painful on another level. Like I think my soul travels somewhere when I get my roots done and I have tonnes of regret in the moment, but obviously not enough to stop me from going back for more. I have grey/silver toner on it now, and have for the past three or so months because I also saw some dude from EXO have it (hence why I said the music bit was semi important). Basically, I should stop letting them control what I do to my hair because it costs loads and it hurts.
- I’m lazy with my social media
Lets bring this full circle and end with just how lazy I’ve been for the large majority of 2016. This blog is not the only thing I’ve been neglecting. I’m like big on sharing so obviously I’ve extended my neglect to my Instagram and Twitter @myreadingdress (although okay, I’m always on this and you can hit me up 24/7 because I don’t sleep lol).
I’ve reignited my Instagram (@myreadingdress) off and on, but obviously nothing lasts (as in I most definitely can’t do a post once a day, and three a day is definitely not even remotely close to being on the table). That being said, I felt really restrained by simply having a instagram dedicated to books. So I started a personal one @zeusjess where I post highly profound stuff like food and my boring life. Great.
As you can see, I’m the same girl, in that I’m still lazy, but in some ways I feel so different. I love this blog, I love what I get to do with it—the freedom—but I’m also weary (and rightly so). We’ve seen what putting your thoughts on the world wide web can do and its ramifications are that you’re bound to clash with someone out there. But what the heck, you do that anyway, offline, so might as well live life as it is.